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Friday, March 23rd, 2007
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6:39 pm - Another Day
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Lately I have not been sure about what is right or wrong in my life. I have stopped taking the Seroquel because of it's side effects and I've been noticing that I'm going back to my old ways. Or am I? I'm uncertain if the meds were helping me or it was just a placebo-since I knew what the med was and what it was for, perhaps I just started acting more consistent with my emotions and with my studies. I honestly cannot recall whether or not I was a better student while on the Seroquel or if I handled stresses because I have a better understanding of them. Maybe it was just my lucky feather, you know? What I do know is that I now I am not bipolar so regardless it was not the appropriate drug for me.
I believe the reason why I'm even writing about this is because I didn't do too hot on my chemistry exam. I do not know the results yet but I know that it will not be good. I couldn't even attempt a few of the problems because I was untrained in the material needed. I know that it is no one's fault but my own so I will not even try to make a scapegoat. I've been realizing that a lot lately, that every thing or choice in my life is no one but my own and I am responsible for my own destiny. I only wish that I had better discipline and studied more. Even hours before the exam I was fucking around on the computer, doing anything BUT my studies. I hate how I do that in retrospect. I live a life of good intentions but have such difficulty following through with them. Taj says it is only in my mind and that if I go in expecting failure I will get it; I believe it is something more than that though. I do have confidence, I don't constantly bash or bring myself down but I know my limits and strengths and when I say I'm going to do poorly on an exam it is because I know I did not apply myself. Ironic how most people have no understanding of his or her potential and take it for granted yet with me I know my potential, know what I can do but struggle constantly to achieve it. I am always at battle with myself and I will I could find solace. I want to be successful and hardworking but I seem to always fall short on the way-side.
It hasn't all been self misery though. I spend the majority of my day very happy and content but at times I seem to catch myself in a gloomy and pessimistic mood. Perhaps it is only part of the suffering of intelligence; I am incapable of living in ignorance so I seem to find no escape. It never ceases at all. I know I am not entirely happy and I don't know what it will take to resolve that. Getting focus in my life maybe. Stop pretending to be completely self confident and work on the inadquecies I do have so I truly can be confident. I know I wrote earlier about not being concerned about my weight but in all honesty I am bothered by it. It hit me while I was on spring break; Deanna was so thin and naturally beautiful but ate shit and smoked and drank like crazy. I live a very healthy diet and struggle; how is that fair? In all the pictures we took I notice all my insecurities, how I would drape myself in a jacket or curl up with a pillow in front of my torso whenever I sat down. It is behaviours of insecurities. Also how when I go to the steam room/sauna/hot tub with Taj I also wrap myself in a towel and feel very anxious among all the fit athletes. I see other girls, obviously obese girls and feel sorry for them while at the same time get a sense of appreciation that I am not that bad off so it's not like I'm completely self-loathing. I understand that I can easily drop weight than they can and imagine if I'm insecure then how must it be like for them and so it makes me feel better. If only I had consistency and self discipline! I could be so beautiful and happy.
current mood:  contemplative
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| Thursday, March 15th, 2007
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5:17 pm
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"I Might Just Love You" "I can't talk I'm on a date with a beautiful woman" he said to the nameless caller. But it was more than just a date, he stayed the whole night with me. His kisses were soft yet forceful, deliberate as though each kiss was unearthing a hidden emotion, a secret of vulnerability given away by his hands cascading down my frame, his potent gaze, the tightness of his embrace.
His words are careful and hesitates when he looks upon me; his eyes rebellious to his will, they speak to me silently "I might just love you" they whisper then blanket themselves as his lips touch mine again. He treats me like a creature of beauty. His smile bathes my bare flesh, fills me with a blush of euphoria. His words warm me; the fire of his kiss now lingers on my entire being hours after I have left him.
We are together but not, though it is more than just sex. We do not need a stated status to feel secure, I know he sincerely cares. "It was incredible making love with you" he says as he trails down my skin and smooths out my hair, now sprung wild and tangled more than usual. He is polite yet passionate, sweet yet brutally honest. They are words of truth and so I cannot doubt in any way. For once I am not rose tinted, my mind translucent as my face powder. He likes the softness of my skin. I am his china doll.
current mood:  loved
current music: "The Big Comedown" NIN
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| Thursday, March 1st, 2007
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10:47 am - Hardy Har Har Har....
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I had an amazing evening last night! First I went out to the Beta Bar to watch my coworker Brandon's band Southern Lights and another band performed that I really liked call All Time Low. I wound up buying one of their shirts and talked to the lead singer! To accompany me to the Beta Bar I called my friend Melissa and my new friend Derek. Melissa wound up sleeping through my calls and Derek had work so I met up with him once he got off. We went to one of his coworker's friends house that were celebrating their first wedding anniversary. Everyone there was older than me, mostly in their mid to late twenties. I had a blast! Older people are so much more fun to be around, they are better conversationalists, more polite and better hosts or hostesses, drink better liquor and have better bud. It was the best bud I ever had! My roommate's stuff is crap compared to what they had! It's like 11 am the next time and I think I'm still a little out of it. Regardless, we all wound up talking until like 2 a.m. but the quality of the conversation was what was really surprising. I had just met Derek at a party on Sunday, I wound up leaving with him and another guy Matt to his house to listen to him (Matt's) band and meet his pot belly pig Wilbur (so cliche I know.) Derek was so much more animated and talkative this time,l guess he was in more of a mellow mood when we first met or he was testing me out first before opening up. It's funny because as I was on my way over tonight, I was thinking to myself "wow he wasn't too talkative on Sunday, I hope we can hold down a conversation..." well that wasn't a problem at all. I really liked the host's wife Kristen and we chatted for quite a bit. Looking back in retrospect to all the time I've chilled with my roommate and his friends and other students my age or younger it was so horribly boring or mundane. The younger kids just get drunk, baring talk or talk about stupid pointless things. I just totally felt like I belonged with this older crowd. They're around the age of my older sister so it's not too much of an age difference except the fact none of them are students but they didn't treat me like I was younger. Fortunately having an older sister experience me to a lot of more older bands when we were growing up helped me stay within the interests of everyone else at the party so that probably helped with my maturity too. I have always felt awkward hanging around kids my age but now I think it's because my interests and mind is a few years ahead of them. Though I am talking about maturity I can't help but feel like a highschool freshmen that got invited to hang out with the seniors. I know it's silly.
current mood:  enthralled
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| Wednesday, February 28th, 2007
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10:14 pm
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Though it may seem uncommon for a girl my age to say this, for the most part I have spent my youth unconcerned about my weight. The funny thing is that I feel that society disapproves this mindset of self esteem; as though they look at me and say "Maybe you should care! You don't deserve such confidence because you are not physically perfect to our standards." My sisters are perfect examples. I am the middle child and both of my sisters have had serious weight issues. Up until recently, I had always been the thinnest on of the bunch. My older sister lost a whole lot of weight doing the Atkins Diet (which is the WORST diet for your health EVER) and my little sister is borderline annorexic. The problem with both of them is the weight lost has done nothing for their self respect and self love; due to the rapid weight loss thanks to Dr. Atkins, my older sister is left with a lot of excess skin and stretch marks- which I'm sure bothers her. My little sister is now constantly obsessed with her looks and keeps her diet so strict that she doesn't enjoy life as much and is very bitter and snappy. Since I've thicken up a little, they always try to keep me down. When I get frustrated on the fit of one of my outfits they'll say something like "it's not the clothes fault" or whenever I eat something a little decadent the look at me baffled and remind me how many carbs it has!
I can't say that I'm always super confident and of course I care about my diet and weight for health reasons, but overall I just have more important things to worry and contemplate about. My weight gain was attributed to not only weight issues being on birth control for 4 years but also some self control issues but I say that life is too short to fester on petty issues. I am not in a risky weight range, my BMI is at a normal weight for my height though I could lose 10-15 lbs which I'd like to do but not at for the price of my sanity. I guess I get suprised when people don't see my inner beauty as I do; like when a guy turns me down or when a skinny girl gives me a weird look. It's like I forget that I'm a little overweight and when that happens to me, I'm dumbfounded momentarily and move on with my life. I have had many loving and stable relationships at this current weight so when I guy turns me down or doesn't check me out, I figure that we're just on different frequencies; it's not the end of the world. Perhaps this ambiguity is because I'm not really overweight, I'm borderline-passable weight. If I was obese then maybe I would be insecure and more vain. What I do know is that I can proudly say that I love who I am for 80% of the time, which is a lot compared to other girls my age.
*This is not a final draft- i will finish this after my date!
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2:53 pm - Day 4
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Here's a little something I call "Day 4"
Day 4 of my meds. Each evening ends with my own private firework display. Delicate pink flashes of light flicker about the horizon of my sight, staring at the blatant black veil of night embedded throughout my entire room. My eyes, my lip, the ever deep tissue and sinews of my body twitches and tingles as though a great electrical system randomly shorts and sparks in a malfunctioning rebellion; my meds the stubborn repairman that tinkers away on throughout the night. Little things once important are now petty yet some things will always be constant. Everything is in a haze, a soft light beaming over on every streetlight on the night's way home. My eyes are glazed over, dilated with a stupor gaze of all surrounding stimulus- I am indifferent to it all.
I'm still rushing though. No treatment with exception to a lobotomy will ever change that. I must find change from within. I'm trying so hard but I know it is futile to just give up. Will he call back? Do I really know anything about him? Oh how intoxicating his kisses are, how comforting is his embrace. He is more to me than just an object to fill the void in my life but what am I to him? If I'm meant to know then one day I will. Calmness is my mind for now though I'm still sparking up and shorting out rhythmically in perfect syncopation. There is a sense of peace in a mind and body of chaos. I will sleep deeply tonight for certain.
current mood:  creative
current music: "My Violent Heart"- NIN
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| Tuesday, February 27th, 2007
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11:31 pm - Men Are So Silly
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Well I suppose things aren't over for Taj and I!
I truly don't get this guy. His excuse for not wanting to see me anymore was "I don't think I'm attracted to you, well not strong enough" yet the last two times I saw him, he always made the effort to state that I looked very beautiful. To make things even more ambiguous, the other night I went over to cook everyone at the OAF house a vegan stir fry and he and I wound up watching a film called "City of God." We wound up curling up together and what happened next? He kisses me! We have great mental chemistry, obvious physical chemistry and for the most part equal emotional chemistry so why did he act so cold a few days ago to lead us back from where we started from?
He is a peculiar individual and I don't think I understand the way he is enough to honestly gage a concise opinion. He may still like me or not, nevertheless I will not play this game with him. I'm not even really that bothered about it, I just find it amusing how things have shifted. At this point, I'm not even certain if I want to be with him yet I can't ignore the strange attraction I have for him. I cannot help being drawn to him whenever I'm over there but then at the same time I'm sick of his bullshit. I am dumbfounded by his behaviour but also admire his free spirit. I just don't know.... I don't know if the attraction is strong enough. Wait a minute?! Did I just paraphrase the exact thing he said to me?!?! What?! What?!? lol
Perhaps these uncertain feelings are exactly how he is feeling. Goodness me, talk about an epiphany!
Maybe I should cut the poor guy some slack, or better yet, just simmer down and allow myself adequate time to contemplate what to think about all this and how it should flow with the rest of my life. Yes, inner reflection never did any harm as long as you don't go too deep.
current mood:  confused
current music: "Sonate dur Faggott" ~Hindemith
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| Sunday, February 25th, 2007
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4:11 pm - Cicatriz ESP
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Do you recall it's name
As it suggested beck and call
This face and heel
Will drag your halo through the mud
Ash of pompei
Erupting in a statues dust
Shrouded in veils
Because these handcuffs hurt to much
Scalpeing these ticketless applause
And when they drag the lake there is nothing left at all
seutured contusion
beyond the anthills of the dawning of this plague
said I've lost my way
even if this cul de sac would pay
to reach inside a vault whatever be the cost
sterling clear
blackend ice
when they drag the lake there's nothing left at all
I've defected
seutuerd contusion
beyond the anthills of the dawning of this plague
said I've lost my way
even if this cul de sac did pay
to reach inside a vault whatever be the cost
sterling clear
blackend ice
when they drag the lake theres nothing left at all
I've defected
beyond the anthills of the dawning of this plague
said I've lost my way
even if this cul de sac did pay
beyond the anthills of said I've lost my way
even if you reach inside a vault whatever be the cost
sterling clear
blackend ice
when they drag the lake there's nothing left at all
this is my last insicion
the stitches have defected
drag me a vessel
coveting all you know see and hear
this is my last incision
the stitches have fallen off
Sterling clear blackened ice
And when they drag they lake theres nothing left at all
I've defected
~The Mars Volta
current mood:  blah
current music: The Mars Volta "De-loused in the Comatorium"
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